Tales of the Parodyverse

The Ham-Tastic Adventures of Ham-Boy, Numbuh 4: Guest Stars, Cameos & Llamas.


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L!
Thu Dec 18, 2003 at 04:06:18 pm EST
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Since most of the replies say that I should post my story now & not wait. Here it is.....



The Ham-Tastic Adventures of Ham-Boy, Numbuh 4

Somewhere just inside our universe......

A meteor rockets through space. It has just made it into our universe. The faint sound of Llamas can be heard.
----------------

The Morning Edition of the Goth Haven Times has just be dropped off at the newsstands. On the front page is an article about Super Heroes, GHT's favorite topic.

The headline reads "Super Heroes or Enhanced Vigilantes?" The picture accompanying the article was taking during a super hero conflict in Parrodipolis. A small group of heroes fight a giant Richard Simmons. The article is written by Rolland Stone. Dominic Clancy buys a copy as he walks his border collie. His dog makes a series of movements & sounds.

"Yes, Glory. I know I don't normally read the local papers because most aren't any good but we are trying to fit it. That's why I am in my civilian identity not in costume."

Dominic Clancy AKA Mr. Epitome is in Goth Haven investigating a case for the Office of Paranormal Security.
-----------

The meteor has just past Uranus.
---------------------

Elsewhere,

Amantha "Amy" Leonard, now in her super villain costume as Kitty Boom Boom, is going to yet another meeting of the super villain team, The Disgruntles. Like always she is in charge of bringing the doughnuts. She has just left the Krunchy Kremes store with a dozen or so doughnuts. She is pulled into an alleyway & she is then told by a mugger "Give me those doughnuts & all your money." He said as he pointed his gun at her.

"No."

"What ?"

"No, I'm not going to give you anything."

"Why ? That's how it works. I threaten you, you give me what I want & I don't shoot you. If no, then I shoot you & then take what I want. So, give it. I don't want to shoot you." The mugger said shaking the gun at her.

"No. I have protection."

"What ?"

"See this bag." Amy said as she pointed to her shoulder bag.

"Yeah."

"Well, It's filled with atomic exploding cats."

"You're lying. There's nothing like that."

"Yes, there is." Amy took out a calico cat. "See!"

"That's just at cat, what are you going to do shove a stick dynamite up it's butt & light it."

"No. That would be cruel."

"So, how will I know that the cat is an atomic exploding cat ?"

"Well, catch !" Amy says as she tosses the cat at him & runs.

"Hey!" he yells just before a massive explosion goes off.

*BOOM*

Amy peers back around the corner "See, I do have atomic exploding cats."

"I believe you." The mugger said as he picks cat parts off him with his one remaining hand.

Amy then looks at her watch & notices that she is late. As she runs to the bus, she passes Dominic Clancy, he is sitting on a park bench reading the paper.
------------

The warehouse headquarters of the Disgruntles.

At the head of the meeting table sits the leader, The Evil Captain Crunch. Sitting to his left is the deputy leader, Dr. Peacock, his big peacock frill spread out behind him. On the Evil Captain Crunch's right is Auntie Freeze, she is asleep. Next to her is Grammar.

"Where is Kitty ?" The Evil Captain Crunch said, a bit mad, looking at the one empty chair.

"I thought you called her ?" Dr. Peacock said.

"I did. I call her every time a meeting is happening. If the girl's head wasn't connected to her body, she would forget that to."

Just then, a door opens & closes. Kitty Boom Boom comes running, followed by some cats.

"I know I'm late, sorry."

"Do you have an excuse ?" ECC said.

"I couldn't find my catapult this morning, then the bus was late, I almost got mugged & tripped of one of my cats on the way over here."

"Ok, you will not be punished, this time. Do you have the doughnuts ? " ECC said.

"Yeah." she says as she takes of her bag off & sits down. She places the box on the table & pushes it to the middle. The group pick through the assortment.

"I have gathered you all here today for one reason & one reason only. To help me defeat the dreaded Ham-Boy." The Evil Captain Crunch said, hitting his fist on the table. As he speaks bits of doughnut comes flying out of his mouth.

"What do you mean by Me ?" Grammar said. He doesn't have a doughnut, he doesn't like them.

"The only reason we even have a team is because of me & your hatred of Ham-Boy."

"Why do we even have these morning meetings ? They never accomplish anything, we gather, we eat doughnuts, argue & that's about it." Kitty Boom Boom said as she petted a cat. Kitty has never fought Ham-Boy, but her father has & that gained her membership to the team. She really didn't want to join but she made a promise to father, so she did.

"I remember when I cornered Ham-Boy into a Meiska Lockenberg and then he..." Auntie Freeze said & trailed off.

"I thought she was asleep." ECC said to Dr. Peacock.

"She might still be asleep, she does talk in her sleep." Kitty says.

"Kitty, check if Ms. Freeze is awake." ECC said.

Kitty gets up & walks over to her.

"She's asleep. I can hear her snoring."

"Well, ok. Today's hot topic is Ham-Boy."

"As always." Kitty said under her breath.

"What ?" ECC said.

"Nothing." Kitty said as she sat down.

"We now know that Ham-Boy now lives in Goth Haven. For what reason, we don't know." ECC said as he turns on a slide projector, it projects on to the wall behind him. The first slide shows a photo of Ham-Boy from the newspaper, ECC changes the slide.

"Now, we have all lost to him." ECC says as he flips through some slides of them being defeated. One of Dr. Peacock, one of Auntie Freeze, one of Grammar & then one of Kitty's father in his younger days. A slide of ECC being defeated is missing but he is the one in the team that has been defeated the most by Ham-Boy.

"So, does anyone have any ideas of how to defeat or humiliate him ?"

No one said anything.

"See ! We never get anything done & why do we have these meetings so early ?" Kitty said.

"Well, Kitty. Nine in the morning is a good time for most of the team. Grammar never sleeps, I'm up at six, Dr. Peacock is normally heading to his office at this time, Auntie Freeze sleeps through the meetings, so it doesn't matter what time it is for her & your opinion doesn't matter because your only here because we couldn't get your father." ECC said a bit smugly.

"Ok, But why don't we have more members, then ? My dad said that Ham-Boy has fought dozens of people."

"Yeah, why don't we have more people ?" Dr. Peacock said.

"Well, I had to call around & gather the group. But, most of Ham-Boy's villains are either already part of a group, they said they were busy, they didn't want to join, were in jail or dead. Hence, our current membership."

"Great, were the bottom of the barrel." Kitty said under her breath.

"What ?" ECC said

"Nothing."

"Well, if that it & no one else has anything else to add. I guess this ends today's meeting."

The group wonders off. Dr. Peacock takes Auntie freeze back to the rest home, Grammar goes back to his section of Warehouse, ECC gets out the morning paper & starts to read. Amy doesn't really know what to do. She is find that she doesn't know what to do a lot lately in life.
--------------

Fred Harris is just getting up, he had a rough night. He fought 2 super villains, foiled a bank robbery & had dinner with his mom & Jordan. Fred picks up the paper & looks at the front page.

"What ?"

As he reads, he finds out that his meeting with Mr. Stone didn't go as well as he thought. The article doesn't really portray in the best light.

"I knew from the moment he called me Vigilante, I knew our meeting wasn't going to go well."

Fred finishes the article & turns to the comics. He needs something to cheer him up.
-----------

Glory & Dominic Clancy AKA Mr. Epitome are in one of Goth Haven's Parks. Glory makes some barking noises.

"OPS didn't really tell me why needed to be here in Goth Haven. They just felt that I needed to check out the city. I guess they wanted to give me something easy after the DBS/CSFB! incident."
------------

Up in the sky, you can now barely see the meteor, it's about 900 miles past Mars.
------------

Around 5:30 p.m., At a observatory near Goth Haven, one of the scientist has just noticed the meteor. He picks up the phone & calls the Lair Legion. The phone rings.

*ring*

*ring*

It rings for a minute or two. The scientist then hears the phone pick up.

"Hi, .."

"Hello, Lair Legion.." The scientist is then cut off. It sounds like Goldeneyed is talking.

".. You have reached the answering machine of the Lair Legion. We can't come to the phone right now. We are either on a mission, in a meeting or something else. We just can't come to the phone right now for some reason. So, if these is an emergency, call the JBH at phone number 555-JBH1. If not, just leave a message."

The scientist doesn't. Meanwhile at the LL mansion, the team is gathering for Movie Night, it's CSFB!'s turn to choose the movie.

The scientist calls the JBH & gets a similar message. But at the JBH Headquarters, No one is there. The JBH are helping Pigeonman out with a secret mission of his.

As all government officials do, he has the Super heroes Phone Book, a book has most of the phone numbers for super heroes. He starts to call for any super hero to stop the meteor from crashing into the earth. They have until tomorrow to stop it.
-------------

In the Ballard district of Goth Haven, a major center for the enhanced human population of Goth Haven, stands the bar, Common Grounds.

It's a place anyone can go but it mostly caters to the enhanced human population of Goth Haven. Enhanced human is a term used by the politicians to describe Super Heroes & Super Villains. Common Grounds is also place Fred likes to hang out. Fred walks in, the bell on the door jingles. Fred drops off his super hero equipment at the bouncer & gets an inhibitor bracelet, It does two things. One, that tells the bouncer where he put your stuff & Two, stops you from you from using your powers inside the bar.

As Fred walks through the bar, he notices some other heroes & villains. For some unknown reason, Wang the Conqueror is there at a booth, he muttering to himself his next plan, it includes a round robin some how. There's TroutTrout with his owner, Lee, at a table. Lee is drinking some beer & TroutTrout is eating some fish food. In one of the booths is Purple Sunshine & his ever present girlfriend, Mary Jane Holmes. A mysterious smoke is coming from there direction. In a corner booth is Cliché, Turkey Killer, they are discussing something & are eating the free pretzels. Canadian Nightmare is enjoying a finely made Canadian beer at another table. At another table, sitting on couple phone books, is Jimmy the Lizard Boy. He is having some juice.

Flapjack, the hunchbacked butler to the Lair Legion, is selling his latest video & DVD, The Ladies of the Lair Legion.

"Come on, people. I got footage of Dancer showering, Sorceress changing clothes with brief nudity & some classic footage of Lisa doing the balloon dance, that's good stuff. The tape is $15.95 & the DVD with director commentary is $19.95. I only have a limited supply, so get them while they last."

A burly man walks up "Hey, you sold me a tape with like 5 second of Dancer in the shower but 20 minutes of Nats showering. I think I am scarred for life, I want my money back."

Flapjack packs up his tapes & DVD's & says "Sorry, no refunds. All sells final." Then, Flapjack ducks out the back door.

"I can get your money back, at a price." Said Roni Y. Avis with a smile on his face.

In another booth, dull thud is past out with a beer in his hand. At one of the tables is Hill Billy & his bovine sidekick, Milky. He is enjoying some homemade wine & Milky is eating some hay. Balefire & Thighmaster are arm wrestling at another booth. Birthday Bandit is sitting at another table, reading. A man Fred has never seen in there before is sitting at the edge of the bar, reading his paper. Fred feels like he has seen him before but can't quiet place where. Another person at the bar is The Chronicler of Stories, he is having a cup of coffee. Fred walks up to the bar.

"What will you have ?" the bartender asks.

"I'll take some Sprite."

"Ok."

Fred takes he drink & then looks around for somewhere to sit, he finds a booth & sits down. Fred mostly comes here the atmosphere & to people watch. Every time, Fred comes in there is at least one major super hero or villain. The bell on the door jingles & Fred looks to see who it is.

"I know that girl. Where do I know her from ? Where ? I know her from somewhere in this city. Oh, it's the girl came to my door. Her name is something weird." Fred thinks as he watches Amantha "Amy" Leonard walk through the bar.

Amy walks through the bar watching the people interact, the best part of the bar according to her. Also, the live entertainment isn't bad, too. Chronic with his guitar, Steve are on stage playing some rocking music. Amy walks over to the bar.

"What can I get for you, miss ?" said the bartender.

"Oh, I don't know. Sprite sounds good."

"The last person who ordered a drink ordered that."

"Who was the other ?"

"Oh, let's see." The Bartender said as he scanned the crowd.

"He's over there." he said as he handed her the drink & pointed to Fred.

"Thanks." Amy remember him from there other meeting. Seeing as he is the only person she knows & she doesn't want to drink alone, she goes over to him.

"She is coming this way, why ?" Fred thinks.

"Hey ! I'm Amy" She says.

"Hi." Fred says.

"Can I sit here ?"

"Sure. You can. It's free country." Fred says a bit nervous.

Amy sits down.

"Your the guy I tried to deliver balloons too, right ?"

"Yeah."

"So what brings you to Common Grounds ?"

"People watching."

"Oh."

"I'm not a stalker or anything but I like to watch people here."

"Yeah, I know what you mean. I like to come here & people watch, too."

Fred & Amy then drink in silence.
------

The Meteor is closer now, it almost to the moon.

"Sir, There is a giant Meteor heading our way."

"It's going to miss the moon. Trust me."

Lee went back to reading his book & A.L.F.RED went back to his dusting.
----------

Back at Common Grounds, the collected mass of Enhanced Humans don't know any thing about the meteor. Well, the Chronicler does but doesn't feel that he has to tell anyone. The phone rings, the bartender picks up.

"Common Grounds, Kirk speaking. What can I do for you ?"

Kirk the bartender hears the person talk on the other end talk for awhile.

"Ok, I'll ask."

Kirk turns to the bar patrons. "Hey, anyone here want to save the world from being hit by a giant meteor. You wouldn't have to go far. It's heading directly for this city."

Almost like magic, the bar empties. Only people left are Fred, Amy, the guy at the end of the bar & Kirk.

"Hey, guy."

"Yeah." the man said, looking up from his newspaper.

"Are you are super hero or a super villain with a good heart who wants to save the world ?"

"I am a hero." he said as he started to take of his clothes to reveal his costume. He is dressed in patriotic star-spangled commando gear & he puts on his red cowl.

"Mr. Epitome ?"

"Yes, that's me."

"Scientist dude, I got a hero for you. A really good one, too."

Kirk hands the phone to Mr. Epitome. The Paragon of Power talks for a few minutes & then hangs up. He with Glory then leave to go face the meteor. Kirk then walks over to Fred & Amy.

"Hey, kids. The city is about to be flattened by a meteor, so I'm closing up. So, you don't have to go home but you can't stay here.

Fred & Amy get up. They go to the bouncer he gives them there stuff & they leave.

"Well, if the city & were still here after the meteor crashes down, do you want to do something ?" Fred asks.

"Sure. Got a pen ?" Amy asks.

"Yeah, why ?" Fred asks as he hands her the pen.

"This is my number. "Amy said as she wrote it on Fred's hand.

"Call me."

"Ok." Fred says.

Amy walks away & when Fred is sure she is far enough away, he goes to change.
------------

"Ok, Glory. How you think we should go about stopping the meteor ?"

Glory makes a series of sounds and body gestures.

"No, No, No. None of those will work. We don't have time to find those materials"

Ham-Boy runs over to Mr. Epitome.

"Why is Mr. Epitome talking to his dog ?" HB thinks as he runs over.

"Uh, Mr. Epitome ?" HB calls out.

"Yes, what can I do for you, citizen ?"

"I'm Ham-Boy, a super hero here to help you out with the meteor."

"Ham-Boy. I read about you in the paper yesterday morning. A lot of it was bad, I'm not sure if need your help."

"Don't believe everything you read."

Glory makes a series of sounds and body gestures.

"Your right, Glory. I could use his help. Ok, I'll let you work with me, this time."

"Ok." HB said, not sure what just happened.

"Are you a member of any of these super teams ? We could use there help."

"No, but Amazing Guy of the JBH wants to meet with me about joining the team."

"Thats great. Do you have a means of going into space ?"

"No."

"Hmm, I'm not sure if the Epitome Express could make it to space."

"So what are we going to do ?" HB asked, a little afraid.

Glory made another series of sounds and body gestures. Mr. Epitome looked up in the sky.

"It's not a bird, not a plane, definitely not a strange visitor from another planet. DUCK!"

"It's not a duck." HB said just as Glory tackled him to the ground.

The Meteor then flew over them & crash lands down the street.

"Good girl." Mr. Epitome said patting Glory on the head. Glory then got up off Ham-Boy.

"I think your dog needs to go on a diet."

"No, she doesn't you're just not strong enough for her. Now, were going to slowly walk up to the meteor and observer it." Mr. Epitome said.

"Ok. It's a rock, giant space rock. Now what ?"

"Yes, it's is. But we need to study it before we do anything else."

"Um, Mr. Epitome, Should the meteor be cracking open ?" Ham-Boy said pointing at the section of the Meteor.

"No, not normally."

"Something is coming out. They... They.... They look like Llamas ?" Ham-Boy said a bit frightened then puzzled.

"Yes, space Llamas with the looks of it, it also appears to be that they have straws in there mouths. I read in one of the files back at work about these crazed Llamas from outside our universe, who have come to suck out our brains with little bendy straws & eat our children. These just might be them."

"Who do we know ?"

A Llama walks over, sucks out a kid's brain via there ear & then eats the kid.

"Oh. I think it's them." Ham-Boy said.

"Ham-Boy, Protect any orifice on your head from the Llamas." Mr. Epitome said.

"Ok. What now ?"

"We need find some way seal the Llamas back in the meteor."

Glory does a series of movements & noises. Mr. Epitome & Glory start talk, while many Goth Haven residents around them are being attacked by the crazed space Llamas who want to suck out there brains and eat there kids, if they have them.

"How would you stop a Llama ? What is the main thing crazed space Llamas hate ?" Mr. Epitome said.

"Llamas, To... many.... Llamas. Must... fight.... againest..... Llamas." yelled a man as he fought off a group of the Llamas.

"They're only going after certain people. I wonder why ?" Mr. Epitome asks Ham-Boy & then he notices that he isn't there.

"Ham-Boy, where did you go ?" Mr. Epitome said as he looked around for him.

Then, coming from down the street, Mr. Epitome sees Ham-Boy riding a herd of crazed Llamas from outside our universe, who have come to suck out our brains with little bendy straws & eat our children.

"Yee-Ha" ham-Boy said as he rode the Llamas by Mr. Epitome back into the meteor.

"Ok, now close up the meteor by melting the halves together & throw the meteor back into space." Ham-Boy said, a bit winded.

"I can't do that. One, I don't have the the strength. Two, I don't have any heat vision."

"Well, I rounded up the Llamas, you figure something out." Ham-Boy said a bit winded.

Glory barked. Then, makes a series of sounds and body gestures.

"Yes, that would work."

"What ?" Ham-Boy said. he is still a bit weirded out that Mr. Epitome is taking suggestions from a dog.

Mr. Epitome reaches into a pouch on his belt & pulls out a roll of duct tape. "This!"

"Duct Tape ?"

"Yes, we can seal up the meteor with the tape. Ham-Boy, go get me all the roles you can find. Here is a official government gold card for if you have to buy the duct tape." Mr. Epitome said.

"Ok, I'll be back with the tape."

Half an hour later,

"Well, it's sealed." Mr. Epitome said

"Yes but the Llamas are getting restless, they well eventually break free."

"That's why we launch the meteor back into space."

"How ?"

"I sent Glory for help."

"We be helping cute Yo-friend & cute doggie." said a voice from being them.

Mr. Epitome & Ham-Boy turn around to see Yo, CrazySugarFreakBoy! & Glory with a giant rubber band.

Another half an hour later,

"So, let me get this straight: We put this giant rubber band on these to buildings & were going to sling shot this meteor back out into space."

"Yes, cute ham friend."

"Ok, I just wanted to make sure I got this correct."

"It's Go time." CrazySugarFreakBoy! said. Then, with the combined might of Mr. Epitome, Glory, Yo, CrazySugarFreakBoy!, Ham-Boy & the rubber band they launch the meteor back into space.

After it has left the Earth's atmosphere , the group congratulates each other & departs. Yo & CrazySugarfreakBoy! go back to the LL Mansion, today is dress as your favorite fruit night.

"Well, Ham-Boy. it was nice working with you, your not that bad. If it wasn't for you I don't think we would have gotten all the Llamas back in the meteor." Mr. Epitome said as he shook Ham-Boy's hand.

"Thanks. If it wasn't for you & Glory, If not sure if this would have as easy as it did."

The heroes part.

The End !


-------------------------
Footnotes:

Mr. Epitome's civilian identity is Dominic Clancy, but not many people know that.  Even people who see him out of costume know him as Mr. Epitome.

The photo accompanying the article: That scene came from the round robin story started by Spaztic Chyld.

The people at Common Ground: Most everyone knows who Wang the Conqueror, Flapjack, Roni Y. Avis, dull thud, Balefire, Thighmaster, Chronic, The Chronicler of Stories, Canadian Nightmare, & Birthday Bandit are but there were others at the bar you might not know:

TroutTrout & his owner, Lee: TroutTrout is the ManMan of the fish world. TroutTrout has the combined powers of 10 fish. His owner, Lee, carries him around in a fish bowl. Lee is the Knifie to TroutTrout's ManMan.

Purple Sunshine & Mary Jane Holmes: Purple Sunshine is one of a few hippie super heroes left. He is a former member of the 60's super group, the Psychedelic Four. PS's powers are light based, the most common use of his powers is that he can shoot purple light from his hands. Mary Jane Holmes has no known powers but is always by Purple Sunshine's side except when he is on a mission, which only happens once or twice a year.

Hill Billy & his bovine sidekick, Milky: Hill Billy is a hillbilly with super powers or so he says & has a cow as a sidekick named Milky. No other info is known about them.

Jimmy The Lizard Boy: Jimmy is a 6 year old child who thinks he is a lizard & he is a big fan of Fin Fang Foom, which some would say explains the lizard obsession. Jimmy has been a super hero for 2 years & has no known super powers. Jimmy had a minor part in another story I wrote, but I don't remember the title.

Cliché: For more info on Cliché see "The Ham-Tastic Adventures of Ham-Boy, Numbuh 1/2: Haven't I done this before" & "The Ham-Tastic Adventures of Ham-Boy, Numbuh 3".

Turkey Killer: For more info on Turkey Killer, the Pilgrim Commando see "Meat & Potatoes, a meating of the food heroes. The Ham-Boy/Kid Produce Crossover!"

The crazed Llamas from outside our universe, who have come to suck out our brains with little bendy straws & eat our children: Not much is none about the Llamas besides that they are crazed, from somewhere in another universe and have cravings for children & brains. Also, The Office of Paranormal Security has a file on them. This makes there 3rd appearance in a story. I don't remember the name of the first story but the second was a Chad & Ronnie story called "And so, there were us.."

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